i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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