god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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