my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
