beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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