...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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