"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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