Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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