What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
