I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
