So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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