I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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