Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
