And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
