i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
