My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
