Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
