you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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