1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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