Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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