After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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