I like my sex mixed with concussions.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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