Your face is a jimmy john
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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