Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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