somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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