Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
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What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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