I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think my tv is drunk
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
