On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
