so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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