You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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