I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I will pee on everything he values.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
