Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
