oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
