My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
