It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
This can only be settled by a dance off.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
