i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
