my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
