I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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