My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
