you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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