Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
