I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
