So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
