K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
