Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
