I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
