I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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