Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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