he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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