We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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