My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
