I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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