I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
