i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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