it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
