this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.