woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
