I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
